Benin Bulletin #13
“An Honest Update”
June 16, 2018
Introduction
Greetings to all from Parakou, Benin. This is going to be a slightly different
update than our normal ones. Kathleen
has prepared a letter that she would like to share with you all. I hope that you will all have time to read it
through until the end. With that said, I’m
going to give the floor to Kathleen.
Kathleen’s
Letter
I am sure many of you have questions about our time in
Benin. What was it like? What type of work did you do? I hear there were
struggles, what happened? What was good? In our church presentations we will
answer more of those questions. For now, I would like to just say there was
certainly some very good times and awesome people that we will remember
forever. There were also some struggles. There are many different reasons for
those struggles. As we met with our leadership to discuss our time here, they
gave us some things we will reflect on and see how we can grow from them.
Most missionaries you talk to will tell you there are
struggles. Some last for a short time and others for a much longer time. So, we
don’t believe that just because we struggled, we need to leave. As we talked
with SIM, with a counsellor, and most importantly with God, we sensed a leading
our time here was done. We had a peace that this is not where God was asking us
to do another term. We have seen how the Lord has made us grow already and we
trust He will continue to teach us.
As some of you know, I struggle with anxiety. I have for a
long time. I have worked on it and it is a lot better than it was. I did well
in Benin for a while with my anxiety. But as time went on, the anxieties became
more. There were times that I was easily able to work through them with the
Lord. Other times, I was slower in recognizing it and that made it more
difficult to handle.
I had to switch to a different malaria med. I was warned
that it can have psychological side effects so to keep an eye out for that.
Over the next few months, the anxiety got worse and unfortunately, there were
new anxieties that arose. It came to a point where I felt unable to handle it
on my own. I reached out for help from a counsellor in Canada. She was able to
help me process it. I also had the thought that this could be caused from the
new med. I truly believe part of it was. So, I was able to find another med to
take which helped take some of the anxieties away. Praise the Lord, I felt a
bit more like myself now.
To make things a bit more interesting, on May 6th,
I was “late” so I decided to take a pregnancy test. It was positive!! Yay, I
was so excited. I had woken up before Graham so I was impatiently waiting for
him to get up. I was trying to make as much noise and movement as I could but
not too much to make him think I woke him up. As I waited I tried to think of
some funny or clever way to tell him. At the 2-hour mark of waiting, I got a
phone call from my mom. Not at all what I was expecting and based what time it
was, I knew it was bad. My granddad had passed away. All I could think, was
“NO! He would have been so happy and proud!” Graham had woken up as my reaction
to the phone call was not quiet. He asked what happened. I told him “Granddad
had passed away.” I sat there and cried for a bit. Then I added “And I am
pregnant. I wanted some cool way of telling you but I can’t right now!” His
response was “life is complicated.” Overwhelmed with so many emotions and
already struggling with feeling alone, I asked if we could go home for the
funeral. The director agreed and let us have that time. By the time we got home
I was emotionally drained.
As we were in New Brunswick, we continued to pray about the
next steps and where the Lord was leading. We truly did feel our time in Benin
was coming to an end. We had looked at other opportunities and felt the Lord
was opening a door to visit one particular mission field: Senegal.
On our way back to Benin, we stopped in Dakar, Senegal for a
week. Graham looked at an IT position at Dakar Academy, an international school
for missionary kids. I was able to visit
a clinic run by YWAM. We felt the positions fit our skill sets and desires for
ministry. We met with SIM Senegal to see what their thoughts were. They laid
out a tentative plan of how they saw things moving forward. We continue to
process what was said and pray to see if this is where God is leading us.
When we returned to Benin, that is when the pregnancy hit in
all its glory. So, I know each pregnancy is different, but for those of you who
really have to battle with the physical and emotional effects of being pregnant
and those that do it multiple times, my hat goes off to you. Wow!! Is all I
have to say. And to the husbands that walk through that with their wife and
support and help out, I say thank you! For me, it means so much, so I am sure
your wife appreciates it too! Over that first week, we adjusted back to our
routines and on Friday, I got one of the biggest scares of my life. I woke up
to a significant amount of bleeding. Immediately, I thought “I am miscarrying.”
I had no idea what to do so I called a missionary friend who is a doctor.
Thankfully she knew of a gynecologist/obstetrician in town. The director was
called and she came to the house while the other missionary tried to find out
when I could see the doctor. I wasn’t exactly sure what was happening but it
felt like my heart was breaking. Praise the Lord that the gynecologist/obstetrician
had already been called in to the clinic for another patient so we just needed
to get there as fast as possible and I could be seen too.
He calls me in and asks what is happening and say he needs
to do an ultrasound. I laid there trying not to cry to hard so that he would
get a clear picture. The baby was so small. I didn’t understand the picture on
the screen. And I just kept saying “don’t freak out.” He clicks some buttons
and after what felt like hours, he zooms in and say, “Madame, there is the baby
and the heart is still beating. The baby is alive and ok.” That made me want to burst with emotion even
more. He prescribed some meds and put me on bedrest for two weeks. I was
thankful the baby was ok but so unsure of how to move forward.
The loneliness and anxiety set in and it made it harder
being on bedrest and home most of the time by myself. I would cry for hours.
And the nausea got so much worse and my body hurt from being in bed a lot of
the time and only being able to lay on my left side. If I laid on my right
side, I felt like I had punched the nausea and heartburn button.
I started to think things will get better once I go back to
work. But then I started thinking, I can’t do this. The end of August is too
far. I am too tired already. I can’t. I know that I am not alone that Christ is
with me. I know that I am not to do it in my own strength. When I am weak, I am
strong in Christ. And the Lord told me “This is a time of brokenness, please
stop fighting me and let me break what needs to be broken and put it back more
beautifully than ever. Trust me.” I recognize that leaving too early could be a
mistake. The Lord may be asking us to
stay and He would do the work in Benin. As I prayed, there were times where I
thought I can stay and other times, I knew I would need to go back home for
help. Through talking with Graham, he was able to see how much I was struggling
and realized that staying until the end of August would not be helpful. We
talked with the director, and she agreed that those who I had as support were
leaving and that the field would not have the resources needed to help me. She
thought that it would be good to see how long we would need to sell our things
and get packed. I had no idea, so I said let’s ask the travel agent what the cheapest
day is to switch our flights. The travel agent said July 3rd would
be the best date. So, we asked the SIM Benin leadership if July 3rd
was a reasonable date or not. The leadership said yes. Once that decision was
made both Graham and I were sad but had a peace about going home early.
So, we began making a list of what we wanted to keep and
what we wanted to sell. We were very thankful to hear of a family that was
coming at the end of July. They were a huge blessing to us as they bought most
of our bigger stuff. We were thankful for other missionaries that bought stuff
too. The Lord took care of moving things into place.
Arriving back in Canada, there will be a mix of emotions. We
will be glad to be home with friends and family and sad that our time in Benin,
for now, is over. I am ready to get the help I need with my anxiety. I will
continue to work with the counsellor that I had already been talking to and I
hope to find someone else that is local (in New Brunswick). I trust the Lord to
work it all out for His glory.
The plan for now is to be in New Brunswick, Canada until my
due date, which is in January 2019. After that we will see how quickly we
adjust to being a family and get all the paperwork down for our next
assignment.
Conclusion
Well there you have it. We would appreciate your continued prayers
and support as we transition into…well, all sorts of things. As always, we will continue to keep you all posted
as things develop.
Blessings,
Graham & Kathleen <><
(Our missionary number is 024460, please choose
support account when prompted)
The opinions expressed in this letter are our own opinions. They are not necessarily the opinions or
views of Serving In Mission (SIM).
